Why is she still in my head?

Did you ever have someone stay on your mind? Someone who for no logical explanation can you think of, that lingers in your thoughts?
There was almost something, but it just never happened, but I cant seem to get her out of my head. She has someone else, and Im sure she is more than happy...
But I cant get the thought of her out of my mind... Somedays are far worse than others...
Today is one of those...

Hmmpf.
the angry bee

Cleaning out my closet

So Ive decided to clean out my closet, in the metaphoric sense. Well, partially clean it out, as some things are better left hidden.
In doing this I am reevaluating things in my life. In the six-sigma world, Im checking for the value add that certain things/people. Lets lean out my process to make sure I am more efficient and productive. Can you tell work is on my brain?

Have you ever heard someone talk and thought "I feel the same way they do" and somehow thought that meant you should have a bond or something. Well guess what, there is no bond, most people seem to really be out for themselves. I dont mean that they are maliciously selfish, I just mean that regardless how people behave or claim to be, if it isnt benefiting them in some way, it isnt important to them. So they may feel the same way you do, but your feelings arent really important to them as there is no value added... Clean them out.
And another thing I noticed, Im drawn to people who need fixing, quite possibly because deep down it is me who needs to be fixed. However, I seem to come into peoples lives who are 'broken' and when they are repaired they leave. I guess Im still waiting for my repairman (and I use the term man loosely, and I dont mean loosely like Im waiting for my repair butch, I am just using the term, dont read into it too deeply). Reevaluate the value add of those people.
There is an on going conversation with a friend about settling vs not settling vs waiting for what you want, and I believe that there is "the one" and she tells me not to lose that hope, but its really starting to dwindle, because the people that have recently shown interest in me arent/cant/wont be my forever, for numerous reasons. Apparently I am most appealing to those people who are already in a relationship and are unhappy for some reason or another. But to those who are single, there is nothing appealing about me... Oh I know poor me... pity the angry bee, but that isnt my point, or at least its not what Im getting at. Its more that during my closet cleaning, I need to reevaluate the people in my life, and myself and why is it that what I attract are unhappy and unavailable people? And what is it about the angry bee that is so appealing for those who are hurt or broken, but not those who are looking to settle down and find their forever?
I find that I enjoy feeling needed, I like being there for people, I like taking care of people emotionally, financially, physically... but at the same time, there does come a time when I need the same in return, but I havent found someone to match those needs... Hmpf.

The angry bee needs to make some changes. Because as the brilliant philosopher RuPaul says "If you dont love yourself how in the hell you gonna love somebody else?"

I think my watch is broken...

My timing has been so off lately.
Between work, girls, traffic, you name it time and I are not friends right now.
I just cant get things right with work. Not sure if its really a timing issue as much as Im just not happy, but when Im making good money I dont love the work, when I like the work Im not making good money, its just out of synch... Not sure if thats timing or not, but seriously somethings gotta give!
Girls, it seems like I meet them, they "arent ready" then next thing I know they have a girlfriend. If it happens once, hey sh!t happens, it happens twice, weird, 3 times, clearly Im the issue... Or, the girls who keep saying they wish they met me sooner or at a different time, well you didnt, so oh well... Im not going to sit around waiting for someone because Im just an option for them.
Traffic, seriously this morning, if I pulled out of my driveway 2 seconds faster, I would have been ahead of a huge line of traffic, that caused me to sit through 2 different red lights twice. I mean really?
And random, but friends, it seems like if I have a significant other my friends are single, and when Im single my friends arent. See BAD timing!
I just dont know what to do to get my life back on the right track.

Maybe I need a new watch.

Rant on Ranter

Lets make a list of things that really urk me.
1. FAKE PEOPLE
2. USERS (is that a word?)
3. When someone squeezes the toothpaste from the middle.
4. When a lesbian storyline looks like it has some potential and then BAM, nsm. (not so much for the acronymly challenged)
5. When you think you know what is going on and then realize you were WAY off base (not in a good way like stealing a base or getting further than you thought)
6. When people feed you lines of bullsh!t.
7. When people are so self absorbed at no time, even when called out on it, realize how damn selfish they are.

Thats all I have right now.
Peace out girl scout(ers)
angry bee

Bringing on the rants...

So over the past, hmmm, 75 years or so, marriage has taken a drastic turn. There was a time when marriage was a sacred vow of uniting two people forever, or at least until one of the people "expired". People preach it was a different time, when marriage meant something and divorce wasnt an option, and people worked out their problems. Great. Living 'til you were 70 back then was barely an option either... Forever is a long time these days.
BUT at the same time, I do think marriage is something serious, I dont think people who have the right to get married take it seriously enough. People get married and divorced now, like fashions change, its almost fashionable to get divorced. But there are still people who arent even given the chance to get married, to share that sacred vow and be recognized as a married couple. So straight people can ruin the sanctity of marriage, via adultery, divorce, etc. yet gay people arent given the chance because somehow they will be the down fall of marriage? Um, what could we possibly do to make marriage any worse? I mean really?

What do you want?

So I was asked last night what it is that I want... (to put this in perspective, it was regarding my love life that this was asked) and this is what I came up with:
Someone mature but goofy. Someone who can laugh at and with me. Someone who can have an educated conversation. Someone who has their own friends but still loves to be around me. Someone who comprehends and finds sarcasm amusing. Someone with a job and a car. Someone who I can take care of. Someone who leaves me breathless.
I dont think Im asking for too much here am I? Is it silly to want those things? I want to see the person Im with and from across the room just smile knowing they are mine, and vice versa. I want to make someone happier than they've ever been, and as selfish as it might be, I want them to make me happy too.

Im going with the flow right now, Im not forcing anything, Im enjoying the people in my life, but I know what Im looking for, and I think Ill know it when I find it. I think you just know. I think you know immediately. As soon as your eyes meet... Then everything that happens from then on just proves that you have been right in that first moment. When you suddenly realize that you were incomplete and now you are whole...
Yup just waiting patiently for that...

angry bee

Predicament

I think Im heading down a road to get myself into quite the predicament. Im not sure what I want to do, nor am I ready to stop either of the things heading me toward said predicament.

In other news, people never cease to amaze me. How they can say one thing to you, and do something completely different, and then try to make excuses for it. I can never be faulted for things like that, Im just far too honest for that. Sometimes Im too blunt, sometimes I ask too many questions, sometimes I do hold back but thats more of a protection for me... Im not going to just walk into something and get myself hurt, ya know? But Im not going to tell someone one thing, and then do something different. Even if you have the perfect explanation, or reason, it makes people think less of you, you sort of end up looking like a liar, it breaks the trust barrier down, its just bad business.

In more random news, for the first time it seems like Im the good child at work. My boss is being super nice to me, while spreading her wrath on my co-workers... Its nice for a change, I know it wont last long, but really its nice.

So I have my first "official" date in a really long time tonight. The other night was called a date after the fact, but there is just way too much with that girl... tonights girl, although there is some luggage (the polite word for baggage) its not necessarily negative luggage, just luggage...
LL Cool B might be back, because I am so sick of girls games, that its time I take control and dont let anything matter...

peace out girlscout(ers)
angry bee